Software Bugs
This is an interesting collection of greatest software bugs
The report stated, "Somehow a hyphen had been dropped from the guidance program loaded aboard the computer, allowing the flawed signals to command the rocket to veer left and nose down... Suffice it to say, the first U.S. attempt at interplanetary flight failed for want of a hyphen." The vehicle cost more than $80 million, prompting Arthur C.Clarke to refer to the mission as "the most expensive hyphen in history."
Switching errors in AT&T's call-handling computers caused the company's long-distance network to go down for nine hours, the worst of several telephone outages in the history of the system. The meltdown affected thousands of services and was eventually traced to a single faulty line of code.
The U.S. Patriot missile's battery successfully headed off many Iraqi Scuds during the Gulf War. But the system also failed to track several incoming Scud missiles, including one that killed 28 U.S. soldiers in a barracks in Dhahran, Saudi Arabia. The problem stemmed from a software error that put the tracking system off by 0.34 of a second.
As Ivars Peterson states in Fatal Defect, the system was originally supposed to be operated for only 14 hours at a time. In the Dhahran attack, the missile battery had been on for 100 hours. This meant that the errors in the system's clock accumulated to the point that the tracking system no longer functioned. The military had in fact already found the problem but hadn't sent the fix in time to prevent the barracks explosion.
The concept of bugs entered the mainstream when Professor Thomas Nicely at Lynchburg College in Virginia discovered that the Pentium chip gave incorrect answers to certain complex equations. In fact, the bug occurred rarely and affected only a tiny percentage of Intel's customers. The real problem was the nonchalant way Intel reacted. "Because we had been marketing the Pentium brand heavily, there was a bigger brand awareness," says Richard Dracott, Intel director of marketing. "We didn't realize how many people would know about it, and some people were outraged when we said it was no big deal." Intel eventually offered to replace the affected chips, which Dracott says cost the company $450 million. To prove that it had learned from its mistake, Intel then started publishing a list of known "errata," or bugs, for all of its chips.
Intuit's tax software for Windows and Macintosh has suffered a series of bugs, including several that prompted the company to pledge to pay any resulting penalties and interest. The scariest bug was discovered in March 1995: the code included in a MacInTax debug file allowed UNIX users to log in to Intuit's master computer, where all MacInTax returns were stored. From there, the user could modify or delete returns. Intuit later ended up winning BugNet's annual bug-fix award in 1996 by responding to bugs faster than any other major vendor.
The Denver International Airport was intended to be a state-of-the-art airport, with a complex, computerized baggage-handling system and 5,300 miles of fiber-optic cabling. Unfortunately, bugs in the baggage system caused suitcases to be chewed up and drove automated baggage carts into walls. The airport eventually opened 16 months late, $3.2 billion over budget, and with a mainly manual baggage system.
All right, this is not a single bug but a veritable bug collection. We include this entry because the sheer quantity of press coverage about bugs in Sun's Java and the two major browsers has had a profound affect on how the average consumer perceives the Internet. The conglomeration of headlines probably set back the e-commerce industry by five years. Java's problems surfaced in 1996, when research at the University of Washington and Princeton began to uncover a series of security holes in Java that could, theoretically, allow hackers to download personal information from someone's home PC. To date, no one has reported a real case of a hacker exploiting the flaw, but knowing that the possibility existed prompted several companies to instruct employees to disable Java in their browsers. Meanwhile, Netscape and Microsoft began battling in earnest in the much-publicized browser wars. That competition inspired both companies to accelerate the schedules for their 4.0 releases, and the result has been a swarm of bugs, ranging from JavaScript flaws in Netscape's Communicator to a reboot bug in Microsoft's Internet Explorer. Communicator is now in Version 4.04 for Windows 95 and Windows NT, six months after its first release. Internet Explorer 4.01, the first of presumably many bug-fix versions, arrived in December, two months after the initial release of IE 4.0.
Two new electrical power agencies charged with deregulating the California power industry have postponed their plans by at least three months. The delay will let them debug the software that runs the new power grid. Consumers and businesses were supposed to be able to choose from some 200 power suppliers as of January 1, 1998, but time ran out for properly testing the communications system that links the two new agencies with the power companies. The project was postponed after a seven-day simulation of the new system revealed serious problems.
The delay may cost as much as $90 million--much of which may eventually be footed by ratepayers, and which may cause some of the new power suppliers to go into debt or out of business before they even start.
For a long time, programmers have saved memory space by leaving only two numeric fields for the year instead of four: 87 instead of 1987, for example. When clocks strike midnight on January 1, 2000, this programming shorthand will make millions of computers worldwide think it's 1900, if their software isn't fixed before then. The so-called year 2000 (Y2K) bug has given birth to a cottage industry of consultants and programming tools dedicated to making sure the modern world doesn't come to a screeching halt on the first day of the next century. Some say that the bug will cause airplanes to fall from the sky, ATMs to shut down, and Social Security checks to bounce.
At the very least, the bug is a huge and expensive logistical problem, although most vital organizations now say they will have fixed the critical portions of their systems in time.
Valentine
Your valentine may be
A woman of substance
or
The complete man
Whoever he or she may be , your eternal question to your valentine today is
Hum Aapke Hain Kaun
and the contemporary replies may be
Ram jaane
Kabhi Haan Kabhi Naa
Akele Hum Akele Tum
Hum Aapke Hain
May be you are lucky to get the last answer from ...
Tujhe dekha to ye jaana sanam
Pyar hota hai deewana sanam
and if it is ...
Pehla pehla pyar hai
Pehli pehli baar hai
then life is a great dance ...
Zara sa jhoom loon main
Are haan re baba haan
Aa tujhe choom loon main
Are haan re baba haan
and this evening will be in high spirits ...
Aye kaash ke hum hosh mein ab aane na paye
Bas nagme tere pyar ke gaate hi jaayen
Well not everyone has found their valentine and for many people their complete man is in their dreams ...
Mere khwaabon mein jo aaye
Aa ke mujhe chhed jaaye
Us se kaho mere saamne to aaye
Mere khwaabon mein jo aaye
and they wait with impatience for their woman of substance...
Mere sapno ki rani kab aayegi too
Aayi rut mastani kab aayegi too
Beeti jaye zindgani kab aayegi too
Chali aa too chali aa
Dreams do come true, but people hesitate to say it ...
Kya kare kya na kare ye kaisi mushkil haye
Koi to bata de iska hal o mere bhai
Ke ik taraf to us se pyar kare hum
Or us se hi ye kahne se dare hum
if this is your problem then the solution is ...
Kuchh na kaho Kuchh bhi na kaho
Kya kahna hai Kya sunana hai
Tumko pata hai Humko pata hai
Samai ka ye pal Thum sa gaya hai
Aur is pal mein Koi nahin hai
Bas ek main hoon Bas ek tum ho
Just as light and darkness goes together
so does love and hate
and there are broken hearts too
who think more of thorns then roses ...
Aisa zakhm diya hai
Jo na phir bharega
Har haseen chehre se
Ab yeh dil daregaa
but then love is like ...
Hum tujh se mohobbat karke sanam
Rote bhi rahe hanste bhi rahe
so don't despair like this person...
Ye jo mohobbat hai Ye unka hai kaam
Mehboob ka jo Bas lete huye naam
Mar jaye mit jaye Ho jayen badnaam
Rahne do chhodo Bhi jaane do yaar
Hum na karenge pyar
rather find someone today , because ...
Tanha tanha yahaan pe jeena ye koi baat hai
Koi saathi nahin hai tera yahaan to ye koi baat hai
Kisi ko pyar de de Kisi ka pyar le le
Is sare zamane main yahi pyari baat hai
Tanha Tanha ...
AN ENGINEER'S VALENTINE POEM
I was alone and all was dark
Beneath me and above
My life was full of volts and amps
But not the spark of love
But now that your are here with me
My heart is overjoyed
You turn the square of my heart
Into a sinusoid
You load things from my memory
Onto my system's bus
My life was once assembly code
Now it's C++
I love the way you solder things
My circuits you can fix
The voltage across your diode is
much more than just point six
With your amps and resistors
You have built my integrator
I cannot survive without you
You are my function generator
You have charged my life, increased my gain
And made my maths discreet
And now i'll end my poem here
Control, Alt, and Delete
If Restaurants functioned like Microsoft
Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem;
how was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup and the check. I'm running late now.
[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything. [Waiter leaves.]
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
The check :
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . $ 5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . $ 2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . . .$ 10.00
Bug in the soup........ included at no extra charge
(will be fixed with Tomorrow's soup of the day)
ELECTRICAL ENGINEER INTERVIEW
People come up with peculiar or funny answers in interviews
Interviewer: Why is a thicker conductor necessary to carry a current in A.C. as compared to D.C. ?
Candidate: An AC current goes up and down (drawing a sinusoid) and requires more space inside the wire, so the wire has to be thicker.
--------------
Interviewer: How will you tell if that wall outlet carries AC or DC ?
Candidate: I will put my finger in. If it is pushed away, it is AC. If it gets stuck, it was DC.
--------------
Interviewer: How will you reverse direction of an induction motor?
Candidate: I will remove the four bolts at the base, turn the motor around, and put back the bolts.
--------------
Interviewer: How do you start a synchronous motor?
Candidate: Vrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in rising pitch)
Interviewer: Stop! Stop!
Candidate: rrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in falling pitch)
--------------
Interviewer: How do you limit surge current within an integrated circuit?
Candidate: By using a miniature circuit breaker.
--------------
External (to student) : " Why does a capacitor block DC but allow AC to pass through ?
student: See, a capacitor is like this ---| |--- , OK.
DC Comes straight, like this ----------, and the capacitor stops it. But AC,goes UP, DOWN, Up DOWN and jumps right over the capacitor!"
--------------
Examiner : "What is a step-up transformer?"
Student : "A transformer that is put on top of electric poles."
Examiner (smiling): "And then what is a step-down transformer?"
Student (hesitantly):"Uh - A transfomer that is put in the basement or in a pit?"
Examiner (pouncing): "Then what do you call a transformer that is installed on the ground?"
(student knows he is caught -- can't answer)
Examiner (impatiently): "Well?"
Student (triumphantly): "A stepless transformer, sir!"
Short Jokes
Customer: How much is that tie?
Salesman: Forty dollars.
Customer: Why, I can buy a pair of shoes with that much money.
Salesman: But how would a pair of shoes look around your neck.
Johnny: I know an author who took ten years to finish a book.
Steven : That's nothing. I know a prisoner who took twenty years to finish a sentence!
Wife: You tell a man something: It goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
Husband: You tell a woman something: it goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.
Son: How much am I worth, Mom?
Mom: You're worth a million pounds to me, son.
Son: Well, could you lend me five pounds then?
Mary: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think, Peter?
Peter: I think you're pretty ugly.
Jimmy: Mom, can I have two piece of cake?
Mom: Certainly. Take this piece and cut it in two.
Woman: How can I ever repay you for your kindness and consideration to me?
Man: By check, money order or cash.
Mom: Billy, your father's having very important guest over for lunch today.
why don't you clean yourself and make yourself presentable?
Billy: Why should I, mom? They're not going to eat me, are they?
Sam: I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I am comfortably seated.
Lily: So what do you do?
Sam: I close my eyes.
Teacher: Have you given the goldfish fresh water?
Pupil: No, Sir. They haven't finished the water I gave them last week.
Mom: Why are you wiping the floor with that cake?
Son: Well, It's a sponge cake, isn't it?
Man: You remind me of the sea.
Woman: Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
Man: NO, because you make me sick.
Man: I'm new around here. Will you please direct me to the bank?
Little boy: I will, but only if you pay me ten dollars.
Man: Why should I pay you so much?
Little boy: Because bank directors are always highly paid.
Father Kangaroo: Where's our baby?
Mother Kangaroo: Oh no, I've had my pocket picked.
Pepito is at home doing his Math homework.
Pepito: "Two plus five the son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six the son of a bitch is nine".
In that moment, his mother comes in:
Mother: "But Pepito, what are you doing?! Why are you saying that?!"
Pepito: "I'm doing my Math homework, mom".
Mother: "And is that what your teacher taught you?"
Pepito: "Yeees"
Next day, the mother, worried about the education his son is receiving, goes to Pepito's school to talk to the teacher.
Mother: "I would like to know what you are teaching my son in Math?
Teacher: "Oh, sure. We are learning addition problems."
Mother: "And...are you teaching them to say two plus two the son of a bitch is four?"
Teacher: "No way! What I taught them was two plus two THE SUM OF WHICH IS four."
Son : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
Father : No. Why do you ask that?
Son : Well, where did you get mummy
Tom : I found twenty cents on the sidewalk.
Jim : That's mine. I dropped a twenty-cent coin there this morning.
Tom : But, what I found was two ten-cent coins!
Jim : That's it. I heard it break when it hit the ground.
Lady : Is this my train?
Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to Kuala Lumpur.
Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.
Ted : I can call, "Rover! Rover!" all day long and my dog won't come!
Ned : How come?
Ted : Because my dog's name's Lucky.
The telephone buzzed and Mother called John to answer it...
Mother : John, who's calling?
John : The holes are too small Mother, I can't see.
Teacher : John, did your sister help you with your homework?
John : No, Miss. She did it all.
Peter : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green...and one is blue with red spots!
Kirk : Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair of the same at home.
Teacher: Peter, why are you late for school again?
Peter : Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and the game went into extra time.
Teacher : Sam, who first invented underground tunnels?
Sam : Worms, Sir?
Doctor : Face the window, would you? Now stick out your tongue.
Patient : Why do I have to face the window?
Doctor : Because I don't like the man next door.
Tara : I think our school is haunted.
Mara : Why do you say that?
Tara : Because the principal is always going on and on about the school spirit.
How do you keep a nitwit happy?
Give him a piece of paper with P.T.O. written on both sides.
Sidney : Did you have a good holiday?
Edna : No. It rained every day.
Sidney : Then how did you get that lovely tan?
Edna :That's no tan - that's rust.
Customer : Waiter, what's this fly doing in my ice-cream?
Waiter : Looks like it's learning to ski.
A man wanted to buy a present for his mother, so he went into a pet shop and paid a hundred bucks for a mynah bird. It was a very special bird, which could speak six languages and recite the alphabet backwards. He had the bird sent round to his mother, and later on he rang her up to ask her: "How did you like the bird?"
"Fine," replied his mother. "It was delicious!"
Flight
Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from the captain: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean"
The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation but were somewhat comforted by the captain's next announcement.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared for such an emergency and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all the swimmers are on the right side of the plane"
After this announcement all the passengers rearranged their seating to comply with the captain's request. Two minutes later the captain made a belly landing in the ocean. The captain once again made an announcement:
"Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean. All of the swimmers on the right side of the plane, open your emergency exits and quickly swim away from the plane. For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of plane... THANK YOU FOR FLYING LUFTHANSA! "
British Airways -
"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic."
"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off."
"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message."
Air France
There once was a flight heading from London to New York. Halfway during the flight, the captain suddenly comes over the intercom system...
"This is Captain Jean-Pierre Lalonde speaking. I have a bit of bad news for you. We have lost our first left engine, but never fear, we can still make it using only three engines. But because of the loss of power, we will be two hours late."
Time goes on, and once again the PA system crackles to life...
"This is again your Captain. We have lost an engine on our starboard wing. But rest assured that our plane can fly using only two engines. Due to the reduced power, we will now be four hours late."
The flight goes on, when the passengers hear the now familiar sound of the address system...
"Guess what, folks! We lost another engine, but nothing to fear. We can still make it using only one engine. But now we will be six hours late. "
On hearing this, an elderly lady turned to the person sitting next to her, and said:
"I hope we don't lose ANOTHER engine. I'll be late for my connecting flight from New York!"
English Language
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.
Aspart of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by z" and "w" by " v".
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
Ze drem vil finali kum tru.
Witty Conversation
Customer: How much is that tie?
Salesman: Forty dollars.
Customer: Why, I can buy a pair of shoes with that much money.
Salesman:But how would a pair of shoes look around you neck.
Johnny: I know an author who took ten years to finish a book.
Steven: That's nothing. I know a prisoner who took twenty years to finish a sentence!
Wife: You tell a man something: It goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
Husband: You tell a woman something: it goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.
Son: How much am I worth, Mom?
Mom: You're worth a million pounds to me, son.
Son: Well, could you lend me five pounds then?
Mary: John says i'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think, Peter?
Peter: I think you're pretty ugly.
Jimmy: Mom, can I have two piece of cake?
Mom: Certainly. Take this piece and cut it in two.
Woman: How can i ever repay you for your kindness and consideration tome?
Man: By check, money order or cash.
Mom: Billy, your father's having very important guest over for lunch today. Why don't you clean yourself and make yourself presentable?
Billy: Why should I, mom? They're not going to eat me, are they?
Sam: I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I am comfortably seated.
Lily: So what do you do?
Sam: I close my eyes.
Teacher: Have you given the goldfish fresh water?
Pupil: No, Sir. They haven't finished the water I gave them last week.
Mom: Why are you wiping the floor with that cake?
Son: Well, It's a sponge cake, isn't it?
Man: You remind me of the sea.
Woman: Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
Man: NO, because you make me sick.
Man: I'm new around here. Will you please direct me to the bank?
Little boy: I will, but only if you pay me ten dollars.
Man: Why should i pay you so much?
Little boy: Because bank directors are always highly paid.
Father Kangaroo: Where's our baby?
Mother Kangaroo: Oh no, I've had my pocket picked.
Which Line?
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."
Said and done, the next time God looked the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here".
A Joke
Gujral, Advani, and Kesri are on a long flight in Air Force One. Gujral pulls out Rs100 and says "I'm going to throw this note out and make someone down below happy." Advani, not wanting to be outdone, says, "If that was my note, I would split it into 2 Rs.50 notes and make two people down below happy."
Of course Kesri doesn't want these two people to outdo him, so he pipes in, "I would instead take 100 Rs.1 notes and throw them out to make 100 people just a little happier."
At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it anymore, comes out and says, "I think I'll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 900 million people very happy."
Bill Clinton Joke
Bill Clinton and his wife Hilary were at a baseball game when the man sitting behind Bill whispers something into Bills ear, Bill Clinton stands up and throws Hilary on the baseball field. The man who was sitting behind Bill said, "No, NO, I said throw the first pitch!
Technologically Challenged
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old (5 1/4) diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and going across the room to close the door.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
7. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
8. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
9. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer". The user had even tried turning the computer screen to face the printer - but his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.
10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the mouse!
11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
12.True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotion. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.
13. Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk, but I squeezed it in. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.
If Microsoft Changed its Name ...
Microsoft today announced that it will be changing its name to "Moft" -- which will clear up space on user's hard disks. It is estimated that a typical Windows 95 installation contains about 2,800,000 copies of the word "Microsoft", in copyright notices, end-user licence agreements, 'About' screens, etc. So, after the change, a user will have about 14 MBytes more disk space. Stock prices of hard-disk manufacturers dipped slightly after the announcement.
"Well, the programs will take up less space on the user's disk," said Bill Gates, CEO of Moft. "But we have never cared about that. The change will allow us to ship Windows 95 on 13 disks instead of 14, thus saving about $50 million a year in media costs. We are also looking at shortening the names of some of our software products; for instance 'The Microsoft Exchange' may be changed to 'The Moft Pit'.
Gates added that the junior programmer who discovered the potential savings has been rewarded with a free copy of 'Moft Off for Moft Win 95'.
Software Contractors
A contractor dies on in a fishing accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band. Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says "Congratulations!"
"Congratulations for what?" asks the contractor.
"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter. "We are celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old."
"But that's not true," says the consultant. "I only lived to be forty."
"That's impossible," says Saint Peter, "we added up your time sheets."
New York Cab Driver
A New York cab driver died on earth & hence reached the gates of hell & heaven. There, Saint Peters, after briefly reviewing his life history, very happily asked him to take the beautiful silk robe with lots of gold work & enter the gates of heaven. Behind the cab driver was a preacher. Next was his turn. Saint Peters looked at his life history,frowned a bit and said, "OK, you can enter the heaven too but take the simple cotton robe. Shocked preecher, raised the question that how come even though he was preaching about God throughout his life, was given such a treatment & the cab driver was treated as a V.I.P. Saint Peters answered, "Look, here in Heaven, we are more interested in results. When you preached, people slept. But, when the cab driver drove the taxi, people prayed".
Impossible Wish ...
A man found a lamp and rubbed it, and to his surprise, a genie popped out and told him he could have one wish. The man asked, "What happened to three wishes?" The genie sighed and said, "Look, you've been watching too much TV, I only grant one wish and I can turn one down if it's too hard."
The man replied, "OK, I can live with that. My wish: I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm too afraid to fly and hate boats, so I want you to build me a highway to Hawaii from California so I can drive."
The Genie responded, "Are you crazy? It would take millions of workers, billions of dollars, zillions of tons of concrete, and years to build a bridge like that! God dammit man, that's next to impossible! Pick another wish!"
The man was disappointed,but had another wish. "Allright, then for my wish, I would like to be able to really understand women, get along good with them, make them happy and learn how to keep them faithful to me." The genie looked at him real strange, silent for a moment, then replied:
"Did you want that highway to be 2 lanes or 4?"
Painting
A person who was unemployed for several months gets a job with Public works. He is to paint lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor tells him he is on probation and that he must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain hired. The person agrees to the conditions and starts the next day.
The supervisor checks and finds the person completed 4 miles.
"Great," he thought, "this man will work out."
The next day he finds the sardar only did 2 miles but the supervisor thought, "well he is still at the average and I don't want him to get discouraged."
The third day however the person only did one mile and the Boss thought, "I need to talk to him."
The boss pulls the new employee in and says, "Son, you were doing great, the first day you did 4 miles the second day 2 miles but yesterday you only did one mile, Why? is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure, anything keeping you from meeting the 2 mile minimum?"
The person replied "Well, I keep getting farther and farther from the paint bucket."
Measuring Height
Two morons are trying to measure a telephone pole. They keep trying to climb it and keep sliding down.
Along comes this really big, musclebound shmuck and says, "Hey, what are you guys doing?" The two idiots say, "We're trying to measure the height of this pole."
The schmuck wraps his arms around the pole, pulls it out of the ground, lays it down and measures it. Then he picks it up, puts it back in the ground, says "40 feet" and walks away.
The first moron says to the other, "What a stupid idiot - we wanted the *height*, not the width."
A lighter look at Marriage...
Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in most countries, son.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.
When a newly married man looks happy we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
Khidkiyan 98
Phaail = File
Bachao = Save
Aise Bachao = Save as
Subko Bachao = Save All
Mujhe Bachao = Help
Dhoondo = Find
Firse Dhoondo = Find Again
Hilao = Move
Dak = Mail
Dakiya = Mailer
Paas se dhekho = Zoom
Dhoor se dhekho = Zoom Out
Kholo = Open
Bandh Karo = Close
Vapis se Karo = Redo
Ulta Karo = Undo
Naya = New
Khatara = Old
Badli Karo = Replace
Bhaago = Run
Chaapo = Print
Dekh Ke Chaapo = Print Preview
Kaapi = Copy
Kaato = Cut
Chipkao = Paste
Payshal Chipkao = Paste Special
Goli Maaro = Delete
Nazaara = View
Hatyaar = Tools
Hatyaar Khamba = Toolbar
Khuli Chaadar = Spreadsheet
Mountains in Excel
(1) In Excel 97, open a new blank work sheet..
(2) Press F5 and type X97:L97 in the "Reference" box, then click OK..
(3) Now hit your tab key once (you should end up in cell M97)..
(4) press "Ctrl" and "Shift" while clicking once on the "chart wizard" icon (the one at the top with the blue-yellow-red bar chart). [Has to be "Ctrl" and then "Shift" only!]
MS - Word
Type the following in MS-WORD; highlight it & then press Shift+F7.
Love her and Leave her
Type the following in MS-WORD; highlight it & then press Shift+F7.
"I'd like to see Bill Gates dead"
What do MEN say - When they see a BEAUTIFUL GIRL
| A Lawyer : | Let's make a LEGAL relationship. |
| A Typist : | You're just my TYPE. |
| A Musician : | You make my heart skip a BEAT. |
| A Computer Engineer : | You are my PROCESSOR. |
| A Mason : | Let's CEMENT our relationship. |
| A Coalworker : | Please say you'll be MINE. |
| An Executive : | Dear! You look GORGEOUS. |
| A Banker : | I've got a special INTEREST in you. |
| A Mathematician : | Your FIGURE excites me. |
| A Businessman : | Let's make a DEAL. |
| A Doctor : | I wish you'll be my HEART. |
| An net surfer : | You are my first SITE. |
Pope & Chicken
After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.
The Pope says, "What can I do? "The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican."
The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can not change the words." So the Colonel hangs up.
After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again.
"Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'" And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words."
So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible sales. The Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican." The Pope replies, "Let me get back to ,you."
So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican."
The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news.
The Pope replies,
"The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."